I actually slept last night.

Awesome.

However, I had a discomforting dream afterwards. I swear, I can't have sleep without trippy dreams. D: It involved the circle, an old friend of mine who doesn't talk to me anymore, my parents, seeing a movie, and walking down a dirt road and daring the speed of an invisible train.

The old friend of mine was hurt, and crying the entire dream. I tried to talk to him, and help him, but his anger kept me from going near him. I suddenly feel guilty for being so mad at him recently. I mean, when he was alone and in need, I gave up an hour of my day each day and I paid a deal of money to try to help him out. He was in the military, and he was miserable. I couldn't stand seeing him hurt, so I tried to keep communication with him, even if it meant paying 150 dollars in extra phone charges so I can call long distance. I mailed him the occasional care package and gave him a bunch of my drawings I thought he'd like. For god's sake, I made the fool cookies and sent it out. He didn't believe me. I think he was appreciative, though.

Anyhow, he helped me through some hard times and I know I annoyed the shit out of him, and I hoped I was there enough to help him, too. However, when he came out on leave, I realized that when he got out for good, I wouldn't see him. I knew that one he got out here again, he'd stop calling and out and out stop talking to me.

And for that, I resented him. It doesn't change the fact that it was inevitable, but I hated thinking that I cared so much. I'm such a pushover.

However, I don't regret calling. I don't regret the letters and the conversations, nor do I regret the arguments and the drama we brought into each others lives. He helped me in small ways, and I hope I did the same for him. I really hope I didn't care and feel so much for no good reason.

Nevertheless, I'm not drinking caffiene before bed anymore. It brings up old memories and current issues, and I'd honestly prefer to forget my emotions. I'm supposed to be happy and cheerful and when I'm not, I get shit for it. So, once more, I'll try to put aside these nagging, biting feelings for another day at another time.

blugh.